Hi family back to writing. Saturday January 19 of 2019. I recently started looking back into the blogs I have wrote and realized that I quite liked writing and that I have not made it a priority in the past months. It is a way for me to bring out everything that I am feeling and all the teachings that I am receiving from the Universe and Mother Earth. There is so much wisdom out here that I need to find a way to communicate it and share it and I think writing and drawing and singing are my ways. I am still not a proficient song writer or music composer, but I love that form of expression, but I think writing from the bottom of my heart is what comes out most naturally for me.
I have had several ups in downs in the past months. The main down is that I sometimes feel that I am not on my path, that I dedicate a too much time to just make money and I am not aligning myself with my beliefs and values. I get the feeling that I am wasting time instead of living it fully at every moment. By meditating and going deep into the question, “Am I on the right track in my life?” I came to some conclusions that really picked me up.
First, Elkita encouraged me to take the test in the https://www.16personalities.com/ website. It was great to read the results. I learned a lot about myself. Even though I knew these things, it is always a good reminder, to re-learn about oneself. It turns out that I am a Mediator and the quick description for this personality is “Poetic, kind and altruistic people, always eager to help for a good cause”. I resonate with that. Even though I am definitely not always like this. Also, I feel like a bit of a romantic and sometimes a bit out of touch wth the realities and sufferings of human existence but instead I am always seeking the magic of all existence. I get lost in thought with idealism and ways that the world could be. That is why writing is a good way to express myself and give an outlet to all these perspectives and ideas that I create for myself. I think they serve me well and they have been great guides throughout my life and the life I live.
Another realization that I had, was that I get uncomfortable or even freeze when expectations are set on me. I was analyzing situations in my past where this has come up. I was thinking that this was an upper limit that I was setting on myself (see Gay Hendricks definition of upper limit problem in an interview with Milou Mace), or that I buckle under pressure. This analysis and realization put me a bit down but then I read my results as a Mediator in the 16 personalities test and we read my natal chart during the holidays (https://astro.cafeastrology.com), where I am a Sagittarius, my Moon was in Aquarius when I was born and my Ascendent is also Aquarius, and the main understanding that I get, is that when an expectation is set on me I feel like my independence or freedom is being threatened and I take another route just to make sure I am still independent and free. I don’t think this is always the best, especially in working with a team. I am proud and not proud of this way of being. I love that I want and work to be free all the time, but I do not like that sometimes I let others and myself down. Either way, it is good to know that this is the way I am to understand when these situations come up and try to act in the best way. Also, Elke reminded me that I don’t always buckle under pressure, especially when the pressure comes un-noticed. I am able to react and manage the pressure when the pressure is un-expected. Basically, I am more wired to act on spot than to go into a situation when I know there will be expectations on me. I rather be in surprise mode. I don’t like to be in a position when I have time to over-think things. This is also why my writing is spontaneous. I do not plan what I am going to write before I write it. This is how I do my music and my drawings.
The main teaching from all this is that when I feel lost, it is time to stop, be with myself and learn about myself. See where I am at in my evolution and take the next step from there. I am still not 100% sure where I going but I am starting to take one step at the time again. Even though sometimes the fog of the mind does not let me see I continue to create my path step by step.