I just had one of the deepest talks of my life with my new coach, Fabiana. The conversation reached a point where no more digging was necessary, and it was time to decide on which route I should take in my life. Basically, we uncovered that I live in a constant duality that I only share with my loved ones, but I am in fear of sharing it with the outside world due to the possible judgement. I realized that this fear of showing my duality is what is paralyzing me from shining fully and doing the work I want and need to be doing in this world. I realized that I shelter myself in my inner circle and I am not connecting with the extended circles with my full self. I only connect with one side of me. With the side of me that that circle will accept, or I think will accept.
The coaching session came to the end and it was time to determine a next action for the next session. I had identified two paths. One path, was to leave behind that side of myself that I feel that is not aligned with what I want to share in this world, and this is the side of my work, and the other path would be to integrate both sides and fully be myself and shine my full light wherever I go. I decided that the second one was the way to go because even if I left my current work behind there are still things from the past, that I cannot change, that also mark a duality in my life, like the private school that I was privileged to go to during my youth. So, the only path forward is to integrate and shine it all out. This blog post is fulfilling that intention. I want to show up fully to the world and not hide any side of me anymore no matter the situation. I know that this will make me stand up tall in front of any situation and will show how proud I am of myself and how grateful I am to all the people that have helped me be the person that I am, a person that I really love. It is time to integrate all these sides of myself and shine them all together all the time. Here is the story.
From a young age I started realizing the privilege I had based on the school that I was going. The British Schools in Montevideo, Uruguay. To many, the most prestigious and preppy school in Uruguay. I slowly started resenting this privilege based on the narrative I was hearing from the outside world. This narrative was even justified when I left Uruguay and started meeting some Uruguayans abroad that would judge me when I told them that I went to the British Schools. Since I really want people to like me, I would get really hurt with these judgements and slowly I started not sharing that part of me anymore. That being said, the school was something I was actually extremely proud of. I sang the school’s anthem at the top of my voice, I made my best life friends and I played rugby for the school and played the games as if they were the last game of my life. I loved it, every single part of it. Actually, I did not love some of the classes or many of the classes, hehe, but I loved being part of tribe. I had not idea what this tribe meant for other people outside of it. It was all I knew, and I liked it.
Because of this resentment, I came to realize that I started to hide a part of myself and cover it up with a façade of the guy doing good things for others and nature, however, this covering converted me into a bit of an ungrateful son because I never celebrated what the school gave me and the effort that my parents had to go through to give me the opportunity of going to that school. Now that I realize that, I am ashamed of that attitude and this is another reason for this post. I never took for granted the effort my parents did to put us three kids through this great school and through university because I saw the effort and the struggle as I grew up, however, I never celebrated it and I never thanked them appropriately. This is message is for them. Thank you, mom and dad, for giving me and my brothers such a great life. I am the person I am now because of that.
This covering of one side of myself is something that I need to heal and stop doing. I need to present myself fully every day with all of myself. Life, as it knows how to do, has presented many opportunities to fix or heal this situation and currently I am in another of those situations where I need to stop hiding on of my sides to fully be myself and start moving forward and start doing the work I need to do in this world. The situation right now is that romantically, ideally and actually, I am and want to be an earth person, or a person that walks this Mother Earth honoring her as our mother and helping people understand this is the case. For this I am learning about plants, their power and wisdom, we are cooking all our own meals trying to use mainly local products, I am making my own naturally levened bread, I am doing art to express this message, I am learning about our nature as humans and how to live fully integrated with Mother Earth, I am learning about ancestry and the impact is has on us and our ancestors themselves, I am learning about natural healing which including psychedelics and I am learning about spirituality and how to connect with everything. However, I work for an Environmental IT Company, where most of our clients are Oil and Gas companies. Companies that are extracting Mother Earths blood. I am a bit ashamed to share this with other people that I consider earthly people. People that I am afraid might judge me if they find out this other part of myself. This stance is creating a lot of harm. It does not honor my company, the opportunities they have given me and what they have provided regarding the lifestyle that I want to live, like working from home to be closer to nature and to my wife, son and dog. My bosses have given me the flexibility to work less hours to accommodate my lifestyle and have provided more work when I was trying to save up. The work has let me live in different cities and in different countries, it has allowed me to come to the Netherlands with my wife for her masters. And I have really nice and deep connections with many of my co-workers and I have really nice relationships with some of our clients that are also amazing people. In reality, my job is a blessing and again I am not giving it it’s due respect in every day of my life. This stance also dishonors people outside of my inner circle that I meet because I am not giving them the chance to fully meet me, plus I don’t get to know them fully either, so I don’t get to learn from them. It is like I created a trap for myself and I cannot get out. I had said this to myself the other day: “My work is like a prison with no lock, I can walk out of it any time I want and go into nature, but I do not do it”. Now I see that this is not true. My job is an enabler and, actually, the going out into nature is just showing up with all of myself and not imprisoning myself in the shell that I created to keep me safe or potentially un-judged. It is time to come all out.
I am privileged man, that went to a nice school and university that was always provided for by my loving and hard working parents, that works for a great company which is helping other companies stay in compliance with environmental regulations and I spend all day with my loved ones caring for them and being cared for, with a lot of creativity and love to give to the world and my work here is just starting. Allan this is you. Thanks everyone who contributed to shaping this magical being.